I've been thinking a lot about love these past few weeks.

Love is one of the most powerful forces in this world. People are willing to do just about anything in the name of love, love can and does make people crazy in ways they never dreamed.

Most people have been hurt by love at least once in their lives, yet go on to face the risks again and again, no matter how painful love can be when it goes wrong, love is still worth the risks.

We all have our own ways of defining love, but one of the largest difficulties in defining love is that love is not one concept but a cluster of many concepts.

Trust, honesty, intimacy, compassion, respect, these are all parts of love, but there are many, many more things that go into our own personal definitions of love. Our definitions of love begin developing from the moment our lives begin. Others model love for us, and we respond in kind.

It's no wonder then that some of our definitions of love hardly resemble love at all. Concepts such as trust, honesty, intimacy, compassion, and respect, should be a large part of any definition of love but all too often we have developed definitions that don't just minimize those important traits but leave them out entirely.

Trust

Trust is the foundation of every relationship, if the foundation is shaky then the whole relationship will follow suit. If you don't or can't trust your partner or they can't trust you then your relationship will eventually crumble.

Honesty

Life is too short to be dishonest. Lies and omissions can and will destroy relationships. If you are in a relationship where you or your partner fears being honest, then it is time to reevaluate your views on relationships as a whole.

Intimacy

Intimacy is a difficult subject for many people. When we fear intimacy we surround ourselves with walls. We assure ourselves that those walls are there to protect us, to keep ourselves safe but those walls also isolate us and keep us from living life to its fullest.

Compassion

Compassion requires not only recognizing, but understanding the suffering of others, it requires a desire to alleviate that suffering whenever possible. In a relationship, when your partner suffers you feel their pain to some extent, and love means doing something about that pain even if it is just finding a way to cheer them up, allowing them to cry on your shoulder, or buying them their favorite take-out.

Respect

Respect for others is becoming rather uncommon these days, but the amount of respect you hold for others often mirrors the respect you have (or lack) for yourself. Respect is essential to the healthy functioning of all relationships.

Many of us focus on giving those things to others but giving should be well balanced with receiving. Our definitions of love are bound to be as individual as we are, but these 5 ingredients are great stepping stones to defining healthy relationships.

I’ve had some lousy relationships in my lifetime, and surprisingly it wasn’t all their fault. Even if it was something as simple as not being myself in the beginning, not standing up for myself and what I wanted, not walking away when I realized things were headed south.

For whatever reason, those relationships did not work, and since I was one half of the relationship, I feel at least one half responsible for their failure. After a time though, you begin to realize that dysfunctional relationships in whatever form are emotionally and sometimes physically exhausting.

Let’s face it, the perfect relationship is not only unsustainable, but unattainable. It simply does not exist. Perhaps if it were possible for two perfect people to enter into a relationship perfection would be attainable, but since one perfect person has yet to be created, let alone two, anything resembling the perfect relationship is merely fantasy.

Fantasy is where we often get ourselves in trouble, because fantasy and reality never quite mesh the way we would like. When we have a fantasy of the perfect relationship, we are forced to either ignore everything that falls outside of that fantasy, or doomed to a life of frustration.

Instead of working towards the perfect relationship, placing your focus on merely having a healthy relationship makes sense. I’ve seen a great many unhealthy relationships, but it was the healthy relationships I watched the closest, not just watched but studied.

What was it they had that I did not? Why were they able to make it work when I kept falling short? It was a long term experiment, a lot of trial and error, a lot of failures, but I finally realized that the keys to healthy relationships really aren’t rocket science after all.

1. Respect

That’s it, plain and simple respect ran through all of the healthy relationships I witnessed, and was frequently absent in the rest. Simple things, teasing one another, small insults, offhanded comments, all of those things tear down the fabric of a relationship.

If something you say hurts the other persons feelings, it is not your job to defend why you did it or why it was right to do so but to simply say “I’m sorry.” For their feelings belong to them, you or I have no right to define which feelings are correct, and which feelings are incorrect.

Speak to one another with respect, and speak about one another with respect. There will always be times when this is more difficult than others, but once a relationship falls into the habit of disrespectful behavior there is little hope of restoring it.

Begin always with a basis of respect and work from there.

2. Laughter

Laughter really is the best medicine, and should be taken in large doses as frequently as possible. It doesn’t count if it is at the expense of another, then only one person gets the benefit but it also crosses into the realm of being disrespectful.

My husband and I have no shortage of laughter inducing events in our life, with four kids and three dogs there is always something silly going on in our home. Taking the time to push stress aside and just laugh for the sake of laughter is one of the things I treasure most about our relationship.

3. Friendship

I remember when I was younger hearing people extol the virtues of friends first lovers second, but I didn’t really understand what it meant until recently. Like many young people I equated love with infatuation. I thought love was always supposed to be exciting, that I was always supposed to have butterflies, and every day would be a new adventure.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that love is quite often boring.

It was uncomfortable for a time, I kept waiting for the next big exciting thing to happen, for the butterflies to return to their daily flight patterns in my stomach and they didn’t. Instead my husband and I slipped into an easy and natural friendship, I still get butterflies to be sure but for the most part we really are friends first lovers second.

A huge part of that is treating one another as actual friends. After a time, the newness of a relationship wears off, and we tend to slip into a place where the one we love the most, must also bear the brunt of the daily tension and frustrations.

We don’t have difficulty being polite and cordial with our friends, but we forget to extend that same courtesy to those we are most intimate with, our own family.

4. Security

Insecurity kills relationships.

That bears repeating, insecurity KILLS relationships.

There are many different kinds of insecurity, the kind that is rooted in self-esteem issues is one of the worst. Leading to jealousy, false accusations, suspicion. It is never a good thing, ever.

Some suspicion is rooted in fact, if this is the case then it is probably wise to reevaluate why you are still in the relationship and being truly honest with yourself, is the relationship really worth saving?

Insecurity without cause is rooted not in the partner but in self, when you don’t particularly like yourself it is unfair and unrealistic to expect someone else to fill that void for you. If you have self-esteem issues, make it a priority to address them as soon as possible.

That being said, security is a requirement for a stable relationship, the security of knowing you are loved, knowing you are trusted, knowing that your partner will be there for you no matter what comes your way.

Each of us deserves a secure and loving relationship that builds us up instead of tearing us down.

5. Balance

Last but far from least is balance. Balance is really the key to happiness in any area of life. We must not spend more than we make, we must not eat more calories than we burn, we must not take more than we give. When one part of our life is out of balance, our whole life follows suit.

In the unhappiest times of any relationship you will often find that some sort of imbalance has occurred. One partner is doing the bulk of the giving while the other is doing most of the taking. Perhaps the partnership is unequal in other ways, one partner holds themselves as superior to the other in some way.

Whatever the imbalance, a happy relationship is almost impossible. Happiness comes from two partners who are equal in all ways, when taking is balanced by giving. Even the time spent together is best balanced by time spent apart. Time spent in joint activities balanced by time spent in pursuit of personal goals as well.

Absolute selfishness has never lead to a solid relationship, but nor has absolute selflessness. Giving is a part of every great relationship, but so is returning the kindness another shows you.

These tips don't just apply to your spouse, but to all intimate relationships, your parents, your children, in relationships as in life you reap exactly what you sow, so sow the seeds of healthy relationships always.

Happiness is within the reach of everyone, but you can’t be afraid to reach for it.

Several comments on yesterdays entry got me thinking, one in particular. Over at All Considering she asked...

Does the practice of judging others stem from lack of empathy? Or does lack of empathy come from the practice of judgment? Does one thing ever lead to another?

I’ve never been one who believed that one thing exists apart from anything else.

I long ago came to accept the interconnectedness of life. Judgment and empathy are forever linked, in as much as they are two sides of the same coin. Yet when empathy exists, the need to judge another withers and dies.

Is empathy then a concrete concept, or is it fluid and moving like the nature of love? Aren’t empathy and love connected as well? In order to empathize with others, aren’t we first required to have the capacity to love others? To at the very least see them first as human beings just like ourselves, worthy of love?

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