It has been a really negative year for everyone, you can't even turn on the news without seeing more negativity.

Fighting and name calling are becoming par for the course. Our own government is acting more like a class of preschoolers than a leadership body made up of mature adults. Not just one party, but both are playing the "I don't like you so you can't come to my birthday party" game.

I used to joke that maturity was overrated, but a little bit of maturity wouldn't hurt any of us right now. If you have a truth to speak, then by all means speak it but the minute we resort to including personal attacks and name calling we can no longer consider ourselves responsible adults.

One of my favorite parenting experts is a woman named Susan Stiffelman, she calls her parenting approach Passionate Parenting

Through her program I have learned many things, but most of all she has taught me the futility of power struggles. The more you seek to control another person, the more they resist that control, and the faster you lose the control you seek.

Perhaps she should expand her book to explain that that applies to every situation, not just our own children. We can all share our views as loudly and even as aggressively as possible, but if it is important enough to share then it should be our goal to try to get other people to hear and hopefully understand us?

When we shut them out before they even get a chance to hear it, what is the point of saying it at all?

It has been a year since I made the commitment to remain positive no matter what the situation. I picked a bad year to do it, and as hard as I have tried I still have a very long way to go.

Along the way I have had to cut out a lot of activities, going to my much loved locals only site is just one of those things. Not because anyone there has been unkind to me or attacked me in any way, but because the negativity is not only a physical but an emotional drain.

Those who teach positive living say that it takes five positives to counteract a single negative. If so then the cloud of negativity hanging over this country is going to take centuries to conquer.

Those same experts also teach that we should not focus on what we don't have, but what we do have. Instead of focusing on what is going wrong, we are supposed to focus on what is right.

I'm not saying that it is a bad thing to speak your mind or to disagree with what is going on in the government right now. I'm just saying before you complain, see if you can find a way to turn that complaint into positive action.

One thing I have always stressed to my children is that bitching has never solved a single problem. Instead of focusing on the problem, focus first on the lessons we can learn from it and then focus on finding the solution.

My children understand this concept, but so few adults seem to these days. Even my children know that smart people use their brains, the rest resort to calling names.

What are we teaching our children right now?

That is is better to hate than to love?
That it is better to complain that to take action?
That it is okay to call other people names as long as you don't like them?
That anyone who does not agree with you is the enemy?

Children do learn these lessons whether we mean to teach them or not, and it might seem okay to teach them to attack that which they do not like but... there will be times in every child's life when they do not like us.

When those lessons come back to us, they sometimes hurt.

One area of our life affects every other. If we insist we are teaching our children respect but can't offer respect to our neighbor or even our president, then we aren't teaching them respect at all.

We are teaching them to hate, and we really have no right to be surprised when that hate comes back home. Teach them love, and compassion, teach them to speak their truth respectfully, teach them to create not to destroy.

I’ve had some lousy relationships in my lifetime, and surprisingly it wasn’t all their fault. Even if it was something as simple as not being myself in the beginning, not standing up for myself and what I wanted, not walking away when I realized things were headed south.

For whatever reason, those relationships did not work, and since I was one half of the relationship, I feel at least one half responsible for their failure. After a time though, you begin to realize that dysfunctional relationships in whatever form are emotionally and sometimes physically exhausting.

Let’s face it, the perfect relationship is not only unsustainable, but unattainable. It simply does not exist. Perhaps if it were possible for two perfect people to enter into a relationship perfection would be attainable, but since one perfect person has yet to be created, let alone two, anything resembling the perfect relationship is merely fantasy.

Fantasy is where we often get ourselves in trouble, because fantasy and reality never quite mesh the way we would like. When we have a fantasy of the perfect relationship, we are forced to either ignore everything that falls outside of that fantasy, or doomed to a life of frustration.

Instead of working towards the perfect relationship, placing your focus on merely having a healthy relationship makes sense. I’ve seen a great many unhealthy relationships, but it was the healthy relationships I watched the closest, not just watched but studied.

What was it they had that I did not? Why were they able to make it work when I kept falling short? It was a long term experiment, a lot of trial and error, a lot of failures, but I finally realized that the keys to healthy relationships really aren’t rocket science after all.

1. Respect

That’s it, plain and simple respect ran through all of the healthy relationships I witnessed, and was frequently absent in the rest. Simple things, teasing one another, small insults, offhanded comments, all of those things tear down the fabric of a relationship.

If something you say hurts the other persons feelings, it is not your job to defend why you did it or why it was right to do so but to simply say “I’m sorry.” For their feelings belong to them, you or I have no right to define which feelings are correct, and which feelings are incorrect.

Speak to one another with respect, and speak about one another with respect. There will always be times when this is more difficult than others, but once a relationship falls into the habit of disrespectful behavior there is little hope of restoring it.

Begin always with a basis of respect and work from there.

2. Laughter

Laughter really is the best medicine, and should be taken in large doses as frequently as possible. It doesn’t count if it is at the expense of another, then only one person gets the benefit but it also crosses into the realm of being disrespectful.

My husband and I have no shortage of laughter inducing events in our life, with four kids and three dogs there is always something silly going on in our home. Taking the time to push stress aside and just laugh for the sake of laughter is one of the things I treasure most about our relationship.

3. Friendship

I remember when I was younger hearing people extol the virtues of friends first lovers second, but I didn’t really understand what it meant until recently. Like many young people I equated love with infatuation. I thought love was always supposed to be exciting, that I was always supposed to have butterflies, and every day would be a new adventure.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that love is quite often boring.

It was uncomfortable for a time, I kept waiting for the next big exciting thing to happen, for the butterflies to return to their daily flight patterns in my stomach and they didn’t. Instead my husband and I slipped into an easy and natural friendship, I still get butterflies to be sure but for the most part we really are friends first lovers second.

A huge part of that is treating one another as actual friends. After a time, the newness of a relationship wears off, and we tend to slip into a place where the one we love the most, must also bear the brunt of the daily tension and frustrations.

We don’t have difficulty being polite and cordial with our friends, but we forget to extend that same courtesy to those we are most intimate with, our own family.

4. Security

Insecurity kills relationships.

That bears repeating, insecurity KILLS relationships.

There are many different kinds of insecurity, the kind that is rooted in self-esteem issues is one of the worst. Leading to jealousy, false accusations, suspicion. It is never a good thing, ever.

Some suspicion is rooted in fact, if this is the case then it is probably wise to reevaluate why you are still in the relationship and being truly honest with yourself, is the relationship really worth saving?

Insecurity without cause is rooted not in the partner but in self, when you don’t particularly like yourself it is unfair and unrealistic to expect someone else to fill that void for you. If you have self-esteem issues, make it a priority to address them as soon as possible.

That being said, security is a requirement for a stable relationship, the security of knowing you are loved, knowing you are trusted, knowing that your partner will be there for you no matter what comes your way.

Each of us deserves a secure and loving relationship that builds us up instead of tearing us down.

5. Balance

Last but far from least is balance. Balance is really the key to happiness in any area of life. We must not spend more than we make, we must not eat more calories than we burn, we must not take more than we give. When one part of our life is out of balance, our whole life follows suit.

In the unhappiest times of any relationship you will often find that some sort of imbalance has occurred. One partner is doing the bulk of the giving while the other is doing most of the taking. Perhaps the partnership is unequal in other ways, one partner holds themselves as superior to the other in some way.

Whatever the imbalance, a happy relationship is almost impossible. Happiness comes from two partners who are equal in all ways, when taking is balanced by giving. Even the time spent together is best balanced by time spent apart. Time spent in joint activities balanced by time spent in pursuit of personal goals as well.

Absolute selfishness has never lead to a solid relationship, but nor has absolute selflessness. Giving is a part of every great relationship, but so is returning the kindness another shows you.

These tips don't just apply to your spouse, but to all intimate relationships, your parents, your children, in relationships as in life you reap exactly what you sow, so sow the seeds of healthy relationships always.

Happiness is within the reach of everyone, but you can’t be afraid to reach for it.

I just finished a poem I wrote for my kids called “The Crayon Wars.” In the poem Red and Blue begin arguing about which color is more important. What a silly thing to argue about don’t you agree?

I’ve seen a lot of silly arguments in my time, no doubt you have too. The people involved seem to think their points of view are perfectly rational, but from the outside it isn’t always so. Let’s face it, most people see themselves as rational people most of the time.

Yet when you really think about the arguments that face the world today, most of them really aren’t rational. While one person may believe they can dictate how another person lives their life, they really can’t.

So many people are so concerned with what is going on in their neighbors life, they don’t stop to take a look at their own life. They are so busy telling others how to live that they forget to live themselves. What a waste of time, what a waste of life.

We can’t dictate the personal choices of another, what they can do with their homes, their bodies, their freedom. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, how much more so when we try to change another person by force.

Change is best accomplished by first changing ourselves, when we can show love and compassion for a person we disagree with we can open a door, but we can close it again just as quickly with judgment and demands.

The world cannot exist with only one point of view allowed, just like a box of crayons many points of view are needed to create a whole picture of humanity. When we are all capable of both thinking for ourselves, and allowing others the freedom to think for themselves peace will come.

I don’t know if that will ever really be possible, people get so set on their own important ideas they don’t always stop to look at other peoples ideas which may be contrary, but are just as valid.

Yet there is hope, there is a possibility that we can turn this world around. As long as children are being born, and there are parents willing to teach those children love, respect, and value for other human beings there is hope...

There is plenty of room for all of us in this crayon box, and always will be.

It will all begin with our children, and pass on to their children, and hopefully someday our visions of peace can be realized. be. All we have to do is learn to live and work together.

If you are interested you can read “The Crayon Wars” here...