I’ve had some lousy relationships in my lifetime, and surprisingly it wasn’t all their fault. Even if it was something as simple as not being myself in the beginning, not standing up for myself and what I wanted, not walking away when I realized things were headed south.

For whatever reason, those relationships did not work, and since I was one half of the relationship, I feel at least one half responsible for their failure. After a time though, you begin to realize that dysfunctional relationships in whatever form are emotionally and sometimes physically exhausting.

Let’s face it, the perfect relationship is not only unsustainable, but unattainable. It simply does not exist. Perhaps if it were possible for two perfect people to enter into a relationship perfection would be attainable, but since one perfect person has yet to be created, let alone two, anything resembling the perfect relationship is merely fantasy.

Fantasy is where we often get ourselves in trouble, because fantasy and reality never quite mesh the way we would like. When we have a fantasy of the perfect relationship, we are forced to either ignore everything that falls outside of that fantasy, or doomed to a life of frustration.

Instead of working towards the perfect relationship, placing your focus on merely having a healthy relationship makes sense. I’ve seen a great many unhealthy relationships, but it was the healthy relationships I watched the closest, not just watched but studied.

What was it they had that I did not? Why were they able to make it work when I kept falling short? It was a long term experiment, a lot of trial and error, a lot of failures, but I finally realized that the keys to healthy relationships really aren’t rocket science after all.

1. Respect

That’s it, plain and simple respect ran through all of the healthy relationships I witnessed, and was frequently absent in the rest. Simple things, teasing one another, small insults, offhanded comments, all of those things tear down the fabric of a relationship.

If something you say hurts the other persons feelings, it is not your job to defend why you did it or why it was right to do so but to simply say “I’m sorry.” For their feelings belong to them, you or I have no right to define which feelings are correct, and which feelings are incorrect.

Speak to one another with respect, and speak about one another with respect. There will always be times when this is more difficult than others, but once a relationship falls into the habit of disrespectful behavior there is little hope of restoring it.

Begin always with a basis of respect and work from there.

2. Laughter

Laughter really is the best medicine, and should be taken in large doses as frequently as possible. It doesn’t count if it is at the expense of another, then only one person gets the benefit but it also crosses into the realm of being disrespectful.

My husband and I have no shortage of laughter inducing events in our life, with four kids and three dogs there is always something silly going on in our home. Taking the time to push stress aside and just laugh for the sake of laughter is one of the things I treasure most about our relationship.

3. Friendship

I remember when I was younger hearing people extol the virtues of friends first lovers second, but I didn’t really understand what it meant until recently. Like many young people I equated love with infatuation. I thought love was always supposed to be exciting, that I was always supposed to have butterflies, and every day would be a new adventure.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that love is quite often boring.

It was uncomfortable for a time, I kept waiting for the next big exciting thing to happen, for the butterflies to return to their daily flight patterns in my stomach and they didn’t. Instead my husband and I slipped into an easy and natural friendship, I still get butterflies to be sure but for the most part we really are friends first lovers second.

A huge part of that is treating one another as actual friends. After a time, the newness of a relationship wears off, and we tend to slip into a place where the one we love the most, must also bear the brunt of the daily tension and frustrations.

We don’t have difficulty being polite and cordial with our friends, but we forget to extend that same courtesy to those we are most intimate with, our own family.

4. Security

Insecurity kills relationships.

That bears repeating, insecurity KILLS relationships.

There are many different kinds of insecurity, the kind that is rooted in self-esteem issues is one of the worst. Leading to jealousy, false accusations, suspicion. It is never a good thing, ever.

Some suspicion is rooted in fact, if this is the case then it is probably wise to reevaluate why you are still in the relationship and being truly honest with yourself, is the relationship really worth saving?

Insecurity without cause is rooted not in the partner but in self, when you don’t particularly like yourself it is unfair and unrealistic to expect someone else to fill that void for you. If you have self-esteem issues, make it a priority to address them as soon as possible.

That being said, security is a requirement for a stable relationship, the security of knowing you are loved, knowing you are trusted, knowing that your partner will be there for you no matter what comes your way.

Each of us deserves a secure and loving relationship that builds us up instead of tearing us down.

5. Balance

Last but far from least is balance. Balance is really the key to happiness in any area of life. We must not spend more than we make, we must not eat more calories than we burn, we must not take more than we give. When one part of our life is out of balance, our whole life follows suit.

In the unhappiest times of any relationship you will often find that some sort of imbalance has occurred. One partner is doing the bulk of the giving while the other is doing most of the taking. Perhaps the partnership is unequal in other ways, one partner holds themselves as superior to the other in some way.

Whatever the imbalance, a happy relationship is almost impossible. Happiness comes from two partners who are equal in all ways, when taking is balanced by giving. Even the time spent together is best balanced by time spent apart. Time spent in joint activities balanced by time spent in pursuit of personal goals as well.

Absolute selfishness has never lead to a solid relationship, but nor has absolute selflessness. Giving is a part of every great relationship, but so is returning the kindness another shows you.

These tips don't just apply to your spouse, but to all intimate relationships, your parents, your children, in relationships as in life you reap exactly what you sow, so sow the seeds of healthy relationships always.

Happiness is within the reach of everyone, but you can’t be afraid to reach for it.

Science has taught us that we are all carbon based life forms, science also speculates about the possibility of silicon based life. (Besides Pamela Anderson) but that’s all I’ve ever heard about, yet I know for a fact that other possibilities exist.

You see, I married a testosterone based life form, to make this even more interesting I know nothing at all about men. I am the type of person who studies what I don't understand. It hasn't helped with him.

I come from the isle of estrogen, a family of strong, independent, stubborn women. For a good portion of my life males were mostly the things legends were made of. I am the fourth generation of women raised without a father in the home. Females outnumber males in my family five to one.

Those few males who survived this dynamic have adapted, they are still all male, most of them work in construction or other manly type fields. They fix things around the house, they have manly hobbies. Yet they also do dishes, clean the house, and help with the children. Many of the men in our family are better cooks than the women.

Then I met my husband.

He isn’t just a manly man, he is the poster child for all that is male. His favorite hobbies all seem to involve adrenaline in one form or another. From motocross to snow boarding, the more danger to life and limb the better. Extreme is just a way of life for him. He even drinks Mountain Dew, albeit the Code Red variety.

The closest I’ve ever been to extreme sports is watching X-Games on television. I am not your average girl, but underneath it all I am still a girl. To me, a truck is a truck is a truck. To him a truck is not a truck unless it is tall enough that I need a boost just to reach the seat.

I’m perfectly comfortable with tools. I can use a drill, read a tape measure, and run a phone line. Yet the look he gets on his face when I grab a butter knife because I can’t find a screwdriver is priceless. Why a mallet can’t be used as a hammer in a pinch is beyond me.

A saw is a saw as far as I’m concerned as long as it cuts, which always leads to a serious discussion about which saws are to be used where. I keep explaining that I am a girl, if a tool works, then it is the right tool for the job, and he vehemently disagrees.

Then, there are the movies. I prefer movies that stimulate me visually, intellectually, or emotionally. He prefers movies that involve body function humor, and lots of explosions and somehow always leave me with a feeling that my IQ is slowly draining out through my nostrils.

I am also a crier, he not only knows this, he thrives on it. He waits for the sad parts in movies and then stops watching the movie and starts watching me. As the tears start rolling his grin starts spreading. He doesn’t say anything, just watches me and smiles.

Our marriage has been an education for both of us.

He was a confirmed bachelor at the age of 26, though he had a daughter from a previous relationship he really didn’t understand girls any better than I understood boys. I came with three kids, two girls and a boy. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t witness at least one female crying.

My poor husband could advertise anything from car parts to Marlboro, he is THAT manly and must share his life with four women. To add insult to injury, two of our three pets are female. Add to that my grandmother, my mother, dozens of aunts, and female cousins and he doesn’t stand a chance. We have him surrounded.

Women are a lot like the Borg, we kind of insist you assimilate eventually.

He has held out remarkably well. In a few weeks we will be celebrating seven years together, and he has managed to hold on to most of his man sanity. True he does dishes now, goes to girl doctor appointments with me, and has learned not to ask if we are PMS’ing or just being bitchy.

I’ve learned to love X-Games, to crawl into trucks that are taller than I am, and to not ask why he felt the need to park the dirt bike in the living room. I’ve since read Mars - Venus, and I’m beginning to understand that we really do come from different planets.

He does at least get bonus points for finally adapting to all things geeky. He's almost as bad about computers as I am now. He isn't exactly a geek, he's far to manly for that, but my friend and I decided he does deserve honorary geek status for the effort.

I have also learned to appreciate those differences. I don’t know if a non-testosterone based life form could have survived the estrogen island without running screaming. He not only puts up with me, he loves me, and that makes spending an hour in the tool section just watching him drool totally worth it.

But... Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Loves soft light upon my face, a look, a smile, a touch.
He tells me I’m his everything, and I know he speaks the truth.
It’s a quiet sort of contentment, no jealousy, no doubt, no fear.
It isn’t need that drives our love, just a simple knowing.
A peace that originates deep within our souls.
Talking late into the night, or saying nothing at all.
There is nothing that must be said, nothing that needs to be done, nothing that has to be fixed.
He would never lie to me, nor betray me, his love is fierce but pure.
There is a side of him that he saved only for me, a secret that is mine.
He draws me a bath when my muscles are sore, sits with me and washes my hair.
Simple little selfless things, he gives himself to me.
He listens to me when I talk, even when I have nothing particular to say.
I am a mystery he longs to solve, a puzzle he wants to complete.
Each day starts anew and I watch him unfold before my eyes.
A mystery of my own to solve.
Always learning, always changing, always something new.
Sometimes he becomes a child, right before my eyes,
opening himself up to learning and exploring, experiencing life.
He loves me when I’m crazy, he loves me when I’m sane.
He doesn’t love me because I’ve earned it, he loves me just because I’m me.
When life becomes too much to bear, he finds a way to make me laugh.

As many years as we’ve shared together I still haven’t figured him out.

Just remembering to give thanks for all you are and do.
I love you.