Have you ever heard someone talking about being authentic and wondered what that really meant?

My youngest chose to dress up as Wednesday Addams and asked me to dress as Pugsley. She and I got a lot of strange looks from the little girls in tights, sequins and blonde wigs. There were dozens of girls dressed as Hannah Montana, but only one dressed as a member of the Addam’s family.

While some may call us freaks for thinking outside of the box, I’d rather see my child choose creativity over conformity any day. Being an original instead of just another cheap carbon copy of someone else is a huge part of being authentic.

If you choose to be a follower be prepared to remain just another sheep for the rest of your life. Let’s face it, you can’t be “normal” and stand out in a crowd. You can’t be mediocre and make a real impact on the world.

Imagine the world if we were all the same, each and every one of us. There would be no more great art, because art is a reflection of the artist. There would be no more new fashion, there would be no more surprises, there would be no more magic in the world.

You can’t stay inside of the box your whole life without missing the adventure that IS life.

1. Find out what you are good at doing and do it

So many people go through life following plans that others have laid out for them. We spend so much time trying to force ourselves into molds that don’t fit.

We are all good at something, but none of us are good at everything. Take some time to get to know yourself, find out what you are good at, what you enjoy doing and find a way to do it as often as possible.

2. Accept the things you aren’t good at and move on

If we are all good at something then it stands to reason that we are all also very bad at doing certain things. What a boring world it would be if we all possessed equal skills in every area.

All would be mediocre, none would be exceptional. There are probably many things you aren’t good at, that’s okay. Whenever possible place your focus on what you can do, and accept the things you can’t do well.

3. Be spontaneous

Life was not meant to be scripted 100% of the time. Now and then you need to break away from the flock and do something just because you feel like it.

I am fond of breaking out in song or dance whenever the mood strikes me. Whatever it is you want to do, just this once do it. Don’t fuss, don’t plan, don’t over analyze what other people might think of you. Just do it.

4. Admit your faults, at least to yourself

This is really an extension of number 2. Nobody ever got anywhere by living in denial, while it may be a comfortable place for a time it was never meant to sustain us in the long term.

We all have faults, and most of the time they really are nothing to be ashamed of. I am far from perfect, but I accepted that fact long ago. Hating myself for each and every fault got me nowhere in life, accept that you too are imperfect and just keep going.

5. Question everything

This is a big one with me, I question authority, I question the media, I quite often question myself. It is a habit that drive people insane at times, but I’m not willing to accept anything short of the truth.

We live in a day and age where all of the information in the world is at our fingertips ready to be found at a moments notice. Just because someone said it is true doesn’t mean it is.

Develop your critical thinking skills by questioning the source as often as possible. If someone sends you an article you like that is filled with so called facts spend some time tracking those facts down.

Take a look at the other side of the argument, do you agree with one or the other, do you agree with both? Perhaps you see flaws and merits in both points of view.

Regardless of popular conviction you do not have to hold a view on the far left or the far right, it is perfectly okay to decide that the middle is where you belong on any issue.

6. Take responsibility for your own actions

Oh, this is a big one, and it should be familiar to anyone who has known me for any length of time. There is a reason I am so big on taking responsibility for yourself.

It took me a long time to figure out that by not taking responsibility for myself and my own actions I was handing control of my life over to others.

I make decisions all day every day, some decisions are good and some are bad. The moment I begin blaming another person for my decisions that don’t turn out the way I would like, I am giving up control of my life to them.

They can steer me anywhere they wish me to go and I am powerless to stop them. When you take responsibility for yourself you are captain of your own ship, so set a course for the destiny you choose for yourself.

7. Make conscious decisions

Life is a process of making decisions, most of the time the process is so automated that we don’t even realize that we played a part at all, but if you slow down and think things through you will often find that the course of action your life is taking is the direct result of an action you took in the past.

You didn’t have to send of that scathing email you write telling someone exactly what you thought of them, but you still chose to and there were consequences for that action.

In my years on this planet I have discovered a funny thing, I’ve discovered that in any war both sides blame the other for starting it while proclaiming their own innocence. They of course did nothing to deserve the treatment they are now getting.

I’ve also discovered that prisons are full of people who are innocent, most of them were framed or set up in some way.

Yet somewhere at the root of these things was a decision, and once the decision was made the wheels were set in motions and things went spinning out of control.

Take control of your decisions and take control of your life, don’t spend your life as a victim.

8. Respect yourself and others

Respect is something I see dying in our society more and more each day. I see people everywhere being disrespectful of others and even more so being disrespectful of themselves.

I see people so busy telling other people how to live their lives that they hardly have time to live their own. I see girls putting themselves on display like pieces of meat. I see husbands calling their wives horrible names.

I see parents complaining that their children do not respect them, and then I see those parents turn around and gossip about those they do not like in front of the child.

They teach their child to be disrespectful to others and are always surprised when it backfires and the child becomes disrespectful toward them. Children learn exactly what they live.

Respect is a basic element of human existence, without it society is doomed to self-destruct. Do your part by centering your life on respect today.

9. To thine own self be true

There is always someone out there willing to tell us how to live our life. They tell us how to look, how to act, how to feel. They tell us where we should work, or what we should enjoy doing in our free time.

They tell us who we may love and who we may not, they tell us how we should live. Always remember, they have their own life to live, and what works for them will not automatically work for you.

If you begin to step anywhere outside of that box they try to place you in you automatically become a freak in contrast to their idea of normal.

While one might think another person dresses like a freak, the other might think the first persons style of dress is too revealing. We are all different,

“Normal” is not a set standard, but a variable. Each of us defines normal in our own way, and what is normal for me might be abnormal for you.

It doesn’t matter what other people think in the end, find your own path to happiness and follow it. Be true to yourself and let the others talk.

10. Don’t allow fantasy to become reality

If you spend your time looking for the negative in life I promise you that you will find it. It is everywhere, it is in front of, behind, to left and to the right.

Negativity surrounds us like a long outgrown cocoon, and all we must do to see it is open our eyes. It isn’t the world that is negative most of the time, but your perception of it.

Life has a way of balancing out, and the key is to accept that bad times will come but it just means the good will return once again given enough time.

When you allow negative fantasies to grow in your mind they soon become larger than life. Allowing fantasy to grow into reality is a good way to become paranoid and delusional after a time.

The person who merely dislikes you is suddenly out to get you at every turn. Choose the thoughts you keep in your head wisely, the choice is yours.

Will you choose to see only negative, or will you choose to see the positive?

When you allow yourself to be freed from worries about what other people think about you, you are on your way to becoming an authentic person. So go ahead, crawl out of that box that was never made for you in the first place and start living the life you long to lead. Give yourself permission to be authentic today!

I’ve had some lousy relationships in my lifetime, and surprisingly it wasn’t all their fault. Even if it was something as simple as not being myself in the beginning, not standing up for myself and what I wanted, not walking away when I realized things were headed south.

For whatever reason, those relationships did not work, and since I was one half of the relationship, I feel at least one half responsible for their failure. After a time though, you begin to realize that dysfunctional relationships in whatever form are emotionally and sometimes physically exhausting.

Let’s face it, the perfect relationship is not only unsustainable, but unattainable. It simply does not exist. Perhaps if it were possible for two perfect people to enter into a relationship perfection would be attainable, but since one perfect person has yet to be created, let alone two, anything resembling the perfect relationship is merely fantasy.

Fantasy is where we often get ourselves in trouble, because fantasy and reality never quite mesh the way we would like. When we have a fantasy of the perfect relationship, we are forced to either ignore everything that falls outside of that fantasy, or doomed to a life of frustration.

Instead of working towards the perfect relationship, placing your focus on merely having a healthy relationship makes sense. I’ve seen a great many unhealthy relationships, but it was the healthy relationships I watched the closest, not just watched but studied.

What was it they had that I did not? Why were they able to make it work when I kept falling short? It was a long term experiment, a lot of trial and error, a lot of failures, but I finally realized that the keys to healthy relationships really aren’t rocket science after all.

1. Respect

That’s it, plain and simple respect ran through all of the healthy relationships I witnessed, and was frequently absent in the rest. Simple things, teasing one another, small insults, offhanded comments, all of those things tear down the fabric of a relationship.

If something you say hurts the other persons feelings, it is not your job to defend why you did it or why it was right to do so but to simply say “I’m sorry.” For their feelings belong to them, you or I have no right to define which feelings are correct, and which feelings are incorrect.

Speak to one another with respect, and speak about one another with respect. There will always be times when this is more difficult than others, but once a relationship falls into the habit of disrespectful behavior there is little hope of restoring it.

Begin always with a basis of respect and work from there.

2. Laughter

Laughter really is the best medicine, and should be taken in large doses as frequently as possible. It doesn’t count if it is at the expense of another, then only one person gets the benefit but it also crosses into the realm of being disrespectful.

My husband and I have no shortage of laughter inducing events in our life, with four kids and three dogs there is always something silly going on in our home. Taking the time to push stress aside and just laugh for the sake of laughter is one of the things I treasure most about our relationship.

3. Friendship

I remember when I was younger hearing people extol the virtues of friends first lovers second, but I didn’t really understand what it meant until recently. Like many young people I equated love with infatuation. I thought love was always supposed to be exciting, that I was always supposed to have butterflies, and every day would be a new adventure.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that love is quite often boring.

It was uncomfortable for a time, I kept waiting for the next big exciting thing to happen, for the butterflies to return to their daily flight patterns in my stomach and they didn’t. Instead my husband and I slipped into an easy and natural friendship, I still get butterflies to be sure but for the most part we really are friends first lovers second.

A huge part of that is treating one another as actual friends. After a time, the newness of a relationship wears off, and we tend to slip into a place where the one we love the most, must also bear the brunt of the daily tension and frustrations.

We don’t have difficulty being polite and cordial with our friends, but we forget to extend that same courtesy to those we are most intimate with, our own family.

4. Security

Insecurity kills relationships.

That bears repeating, insecurity KILLS relationships.

There are many different kinds of insecurity, the kind that is rooted in self-esteem issues is one of the worst. Leading to jealousy, false accusations, suspicion. It is never a good thing, ever.

Some suspicion is rooted in fact, if this is the case then it is probably wise to reevaluate why you are still in the relationship and being truly honest with yourself, is the relationship really worth saving?

Insecurity without cause is rooted not in the partner but in self, when you don’t particularly like yourself it is unfair and unrealistic to expect someone else to fill that void for you. If you have self-esteem issues, make it a priority to address them as soon as possible.

That being said, security is a requirement for a stable relationship, the security of knowing you are loved, knowing you are trusted, knowing that your partner will be there for you no matter what comes your way.

Each of us deserves a secure and loving relationship that builds us up instead of tearing us down.

5. Balance

Last but far from least is balance. Balance is really the key to happiness in any area of life. We must not spend more than we make, we must not eat more calories than we burn, we must not take more than we give. When one part of our life is out of balance, our whole life follows suit.

In the unhappiest times of any relationship you will often find that some sort of imbalance has occurred. One partner is doing the bulk of the giving while the other is doing most of the taking. Perhaps the partnership is unequal in other ways, one partner holds themselves as superior to the other in some way.

Whatever the imbalance, a happy relationship is almost impossible. Happiness comes from two partners who are equal in all ways, when taking is balanced by giving. Even the time spent together is best balanced by time spent apart. Time spent in joint activities balanced by time spent in pursuit of personal goals as well.

Absolute selfishness has never lead to a solid relationship, but nor has absolute selflessness. Giving is a part of every great relationship, but so is returning the kindness another shows you.

These tips don't just apply to your spouse, but to all intimate relationships, your parents, your children, in relationships as in life you reap exactly what you sow, so sow the seeds of healthy relationships always.

Happiness is within the reach of everyone, but you can’t be afraid to reach for it.

When I was working with our local advocacy center as a client, I think I knew even then that I would become an advocate someday. When I thought about all of the things they did for me, I just knew I wanted to give that gift to others as soon as I was strong enough.

I couldn’t help anyone if I couldn’t first help myself. It took a few years for me to get to a place where I felt I had dealt with my past enough to help others deal with their issues. Now I find I have been an advocate long enough that I am comfortable with the role.

There were some unexpected effects that came from my training. I should have seen it coming, but oddly I didn’t. It just kind of snuck up on me, slowly I found my self more and more intolerant of not just extreme abuse, but the more minor variations as well.

I see the way people sometimes treat other people, and where I might have been able to overlook disrespectful comments made by one partner to another I can’t anymore. Before I know it my mouth has opened and I am preaching again.

I don’t know what else to call it, it isn’t religious in nature but it is preaching just the same. Nobody has the right to make anyone feel inferior, ever, yet I hear one spouse do it to another and I cringe. This is supposed to be the person they love most in the world, and they choose to hurt them?

I’ve learned what not to say to a victim, even though it may be true in some cases, you still never tell a victim that someone who loves you would never abuse you. Because that is OUR definition of love, but theirs is different.

What right do we have to tell them that the person they love doesn’t love them? To take away the only form of love they know? They already feel unworthy of the love they have, and us taking what small glimpse of love they do have away does them more harm than good, no matter how well meaning.

The same thing has to happen with all of the people we try to help, in essence we must help them learn to redefine love, and that process begins with teaching them to love themselves. That’s really all there is to it.

Some people define it as man-hating, but we help men as well. Some say we are just feminists, out to destroy the role man for the sake of woman, that we want to demasculinize men and make women into combat boot wearing radical guerrillas in the war between the genders, nope, not really.

All we really want to do is teach those in abusive or painful circumstances is that they deserve better, we all do. I don’t want my daughters to hate men when they grow up, but I do want them to accept nothing but respect from any partner romantic or otherwise.

Life is too short to be wasted in misery. I spent a great many years there, it isn’t a pretty place to be. Looking back all of the memories from the times I have suffered from abuse are dark and hazy, no matter what time of day the memory takes place, in my mind I always see it as night.

I didn’t know what was going on was abuse, because I never had any black eyes, I never had any broken bones. Most of what I had were hurt feelings. Sometimes the thought would cross my mind that this was not love, that love wasn’t supposed to hurt more than it felt good...

I would think it and push it away before it really took hold. I couldn’t afford to think like that because I needed to be loved and I had to find a way to earn that love. If I just let them do whatever they wanted, they would stay with me. I wanted someone who would love me, and I wanted someone who would not leave me, even if that meant giving up myself.

It never occurred to me that I deserved to be loved just because I was me. I didn’t have to be perfect, I didn’t have to do everything right, someone who really loved me would not punish me, people who love one another don’t punish, they work through it.

The funny thing is, I don’t even know why I thought that way. The only thing that changed from then until now is my thoughts, that’s it. I see things differently now.

If you want to help someone in an abusive relationship, show them what love really is...